


(i) can't say no to you

by sirenofodysseus



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: AU 'Code Red', F/M, Fuck Or Die, Heavy Petting, Sex Pollen, The tropes are heavy with this one, dub-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 14:42:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13192254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirenofodysseus/pseuds/sirenofodysseus
Summary: AU, Code Red. “However, I suppose there’s really no other way to say it aside from ‘it’s a fuck or die’ type of situation.”





	(i) can't say no to you

**Author's Note:**

> Not majorly heavy on the smut, but I can always return to write more if the inspiration hits. 
> 
> Written to fulfill my trope bingo square of "Sex Pollen" and my H/C bingo square of "Dub-Con".

After Griffin Welks is led away in handcuffs, Lisbon feels a headache forming between her eyes. She thinks it might have something to do with the combination of paperwork and lawsuits, awaiting her return to the CBI, thanks to Jane’s latest mind game.

 

(One glance at her troubling consultant tells her he might be getting a headache too. She thinks it serves him right, especially for making her _think_ she was going to die.)

 

“Ready to go?”

 

Jane glances at her. “And here I was thinking you were going to force me to walk back, sadist.”

 

Lisbon snorts. “You don’t know the meaning of sadistic, Jane.” Before Jane can remind her that she punched him in the nose, she turns and motions him to follow her. “Come on. We’ve got a bit of a drive ahead of us.”

 

::::

 

Halfway between the lab and the CBI, her phone rings. She answers immediately. “Lisbon.”

 

“Agent, it’s Dean Harken.” She hears Jane shift from next to her and she glances upwards, hoping he’ll keep from antagonizing the CDCA Agent further. “Mr. Jane’s digression wasn’t so much a _trick_ as it was a mislabel.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“There was something in the vial,” Harken explains and because she immediately fears the worst, she signals a turn and pulls off the side of the road. Her hands are shaking as she puts Harken on speaker. “Alicia Seberg and Cliff Edmunds weren’t just working with Cryptohansa-B. Another project, labeled _Project X_ , was created with the intention of assisting their _marital_ affairs.” Lisbon says nothing, but her stomach churns dangerously.

 

“That doesn’t sound like super powers,” Jane comments, drawing Lisbon’s immediate ire. “Which is a shame. I was honestly looking forward to some super powers today.” Harken doesn’t respond and so, Jane continues. “I’ve always wanted to fly. Lisbon here, she’s probably always wanted laser vision. What about you, Harken? Invisibility?”

 

Lisbon thinks she might shoot him later, if they don’t die first.

 

Harken doesn’t sound too amused either. “This is no laughing matter, Mr. Jane. _Project X_ , whilst no biological weapon, still has the ability to kill. Just under…different circumstances.” The odd hitch in Harken’s tone has her on high alert. If the CDCA agent sounds panicked, especially after dealing with the possible contamination of a super virus _and_ Jane’s antics, she knows she has every right to worry.

 

“No,” Jane continues, a grin in his voice. “You’d want to be like Superman.”  

 

“Jane,” Lisbon interrupts harshly. “Not right now.” Jane falls silent and Lisbon refocuses on the conversation at hand. “Agent Harken, what exactly does _Project X_ do?”

 

“ _Project X_ , according to Dr. Edmunds, was a manipulated copulation serum.” Silence. “His and Alicia’s concoction was not meant to go beyond the bedroom, however, Mr. Jane’s unbridled tomfoolery forced _Project X_ into the open.” Lisbon hears the _and now_ in his voice and she swallows. Cryptohansa-B, engineered by both Seberg and Edmunds, was not a harmless virus; and somehow, she doubts _Project X_ was going to be any less detrimental.

 

“So, basically,” Jane starts, his tone light. “ _Project X_ promotes orgies.” Lisbon smacks Jane’s arm, because _no_. They are not about to start discussing _orgies_ in ‘front’ of the CDCA Agent. When Harken doesn’t respond immediately, Lisbon’s stomach churns again – because what if she’s forced to have _sex_ with Harken?

 

Or worse, what if she’s forced to have sex with _Jane_?

 

“I don’t believe in being crude,” Harken replies, after another moment of continued silence. “However, I suppose there’s really no _other_ way to say it aside from ‘it’s a fuck or die’ type of situation.”

 

All Lisbon could manage was, “well, fuck.”

 

::::

 

“It could be worse,” Jane tells her, after Harken ends the phone call. Lisbon grits her teeth, because still – she can’t see _how_ it could be worse. She’s basically been told that because Jane’s the _last_ person she’s touched; she has to have _relations_ with him, or they’ll both die _excruciating_ deaths. So much for a catharsis. “You could have to do it with Agent Harken.”

Lisbon grimaces. “ _Jane._ ”

 

Jane smiles and swallows. “So, how do we do this?” She glances upwards. Neither of them are obviously virgins and since his first day at the CBI, there’s always been _some_ sort of underlying sexual tension between them. But that _doesn’t_ mean she wants to sleep with him. And that most certainly _doesn’t_ mean that he wants to sleep with _her_. “Ah. I see. You’re on the fence.” She stares at him as if he’s lost his mind. “Don’t be.”

 

“And you _aren’t_?” She watches him shrug. “Jane, it’s…”

 

“I’ve come to terms with dying, Lisbon,” Jane explains and Lisbon opens her mouth to argue with him. “You, on the other hand, obviously haven’t. So, again, how do we do this?” Lisbon blinks and then sighs, because there’s no point in arguing with him. She glances at the time. Harken said the first symptom was a headache. The second, he said, could be temporary blindness – which meant, they probably didn’t have enough time to retreat to a seedy motel, since they were still stuck in the middle of nowhere. She glances back at Jane, who has already begun to remove his jacket and vest. Her mouth goes dry. “You act as if you’ve never seen a man strip before, Teresa?”

 

Before she can say anything, he moves toward the back of the rental SUV.

 

Lisbon rolls her eyes, but follows suit. His hand touches her knee and before she can say _stop_ , he moves to cup her face with his callused hands and his soft lips are pressed against hers. She remains still, but her eyes flutter shut. Maybe. _Just maybe_. She’s thought of doing this, a time or two. And maybe. _Just maybe_. She’s thought of the two of them, in one of the CBI’s many janitorial closets, doing things that the Bureau most certainly wouldn’t approve of.

 

She jerks at the pressure of his hand on her right breast.

 

“Relax, Lisbon,” Jane tells her softly, as he guides her backwards. Lisbon exhales sharply, as Jane undoes her jeans. She feels him yanking her jeans down and then her underwear, before his fingers—wet from spit—brush against her clit.

 

Lisbon jerks again.

 

He doesn’t say anything, as he eases one of his fingers inside of her.

 

And then, another.

 

She gasps, as his fingers rub against the inner wall of her clit. He continues his ministrations, until she almost finds it impossible to breathe. “You doing alright down there, Lisbon?”

 

Lisbon smacks the back of his head and adds, “I’m not above letting you die, Jane.”, once she’s able to catch her breath.  

 

She hears him chuckle. “Good to know this won’t change a thing.” Lisbon grimaces, because once they do _this_ – there will be no going back. She thinks she _might_ prefer a painful death over the idea of ‘going at it’ in the back of her state-issued SUV like a pair of hormonal teenagers. “Think of it as the prom night you never got.”

 

Somehow, she thinks, that makes it even worse.


End file.
